Married

I'm not one to get very nervous in front of crowds; it's what I do for a living. So I stood calmly in the registry office, waiting first for the guests, then for my bride. I'd looked in the mirror on the way in; the suit looked good, chocolate and cream. I was ready.

Wasn't I?

People started to come in. Briony's brother, Aaron, who had agreed to be an usher, although he didn't know many of family by sight, and I had to help direct people to their seats. Greeting everyone as they came in diverted me, happily. Everyone was so smiley, and so pleased to see me, and by the time I'd completely lost count of how many cheeks I'd kissed and hands I'd shaken, suddenly the room was full, and -- well how about that, I was nervous after all. Maybe just a little.

Then the waiting.

The song coming on meant that Briony was outside the door, ready to come in. The song was 'Go', the cover, by Sparklehorse and the Flaming Lips, and suddenly, within the first few bars, all the meaning and the memories packed into that song, the reasons we'd chosen it, had me welling up, before she'd even entered the room. My view seemed to undergo one of those zoom effects where everything rushes away from you without moving, and the enormity of what I was about to do hit me almost as hard as the beauty.

And then the beauty walked in the door. I think Briony is beautiful first thing in the morning, with sleep in her eyes. I think she's beautiful every second of every day. But she's never looked more amazing than she did at that moment. The tears were still brimming, egged on by knowing, by being able to see, how nervous she was, and how she was still doing it anyway, walking towards me on her father's arm.

And so we were both nervous, all the way through the vows, all the way through the ceremony, until I got to kiss her, and she was my wife. I don't really remember the words. Everything that should be there was there, the vows, the rings, but the thing that was most important was that she was there. And that she would be there, now, 'til death do us part.

We eased up when the comedy effect of using a fake pen to pose for signing the register photos kicked in. Suddenly we were laughing, and she relaxed, and smiled, and the grin that I thought couldn't get any wider on my face did just that (and stayed that way for the rest of the day). Looking out into the sea of smiling faces was beautiful.

Music is really important to me, and we spent a long time choosing our songs to walk in and out to. Walking back down the aisle to the strains of 'The First Day of my Life', it just seemed so perfect, so right. Again, a song charged with meaning for both of us, and the perfect start to being married. In theory, for a couple who've been together for four years and lived together for two, getting married shouldn't make a real difference to how you feel about each other and about the relationship. And in a way it hasn't, because I couldn't have loved her any more than I already did. But at that moment, and every day since, I have felt different. I have felt, more definitely, and more assuredly, a team, part of a whole, with her, and happier about it than I've been ab out anything.

The rest of the day was a blur. I couldn't really describe it all in detail if I tried, and certainly not in sequence. The sunshine was glorious. The food was wonderful. The venue... it's stunning, remarkable - a 13th century tithe barn, the restoration of which has won a number of awards, and the perfect backdrop to a beautiful, auspicious, day. There were chats, there were photos, there were plenty of drinks... there were some fabulous speeches; Giles, her Dad made us feel ten feet tall, and my best man brought me down to size again in a very funny fashion. I even managed my speech, with no script, as well as I could have expected. We circulated, the string quartet played... a lot of the evening we spent talking to different people, and the whole thing was charged with some kind of magical glow. And every so often, I'd turn, to see her there, across the room, or at my side, looking back at me, and smiling, or oblivious, and smiling. And it still sends shivers down my spine. It was so amazing to be there, with all these people I care about, all so happy to see us happy. I've never felt a vibe like it.

the only thing that went wrong was that it ended. But then we went back to the hotel, and from there, the next day, to the lakes.

A week and a half later, I'm still pinching myself. My wife is more than I could have dreamed of in a partner, for life, and my wedding day was more than I could have dreamed of in an occasion. I wasn't ready. But then, who is?